Wander Woman

Many times this past school year I have sinned against God and against my children.  I have lost my patience, I have been self-seeking, I have been easily angered, I have not extended grace, I have not encouraged………  I have wanted to quit - A lot!  I have let my feelings rule instead of God’s Truths.  I know that I need Tyler and he needs me and that my responses to him are only revealing what’s in my own heart.  I know God is using my children to change me and to draw me closer to Himself.  This year has been a real challenge to say the least and as the year comes to a close new trials are presenting themselves.  Shouldn’t “school stuff” be going away?  I recently chose to have my son tested using the SAT which was not a wise decision on my part.  My child has an endless supply of energy and has had a hard time focusing and sitting still all year.  Why did I think he would be able to sit for 2 1/2 hrs and do a test?  I didn’t even consider that.  It was and still is a very hard struggle for me not to become extremely discouraged with the fact that he guessed his way through this test (colored in some circles at the top, some in the middle and some at the bottom), cheated, and went at his own pace instead of following the teacher.  My mom-in-law has reminded me that we cannot be afraid for our children to fail.  It is through failures that our children learn how to become adults.  I feel like he knew the material (we even did a test prep book), but the results of the test are obviously not going to be an accurate reflection of his progress this year.  Chances are we will have to pay more money to have him tested using a different method.  Hard lesson learned.  I think I can have unrealistic expectations for my first grader and can be somewhat of a taskmaster just wanting to get school done so we (or I) can move on to other things.  More times than not, my home has not been full of joy and laughter as it should be.  I am now faced with what to do next year.  Do I repeat certain subjects maybe using a different curriculum to ensure mastery?  Do I participate in a co-op again?  What curriculum is best for my non-stop boy?  What will grab his attention and make him excited about learning?  I am considering taking the focus off of academics next year and instead spending time building his character, working on heart issues, and strengthening our relationship.  After all, that is the most important thing, right?  Today, after reading, another question came to my mind and I cannot seem to quit thinking about it.  Why do I homeschool?  I am going to think about this and answer in a later post.  In the meantime, please be praying for me.  I have a lot of decisions to make over the next couple of months.  If anyone has any suggestions or advice I would love to hear about it.  Please also pray that I will not worry or grow anxious, but trust in Him and in His faithfulness.  Pray that when discouraging and “I cannot do this” thoughts start to creep in I can battle them with Truth.  I know God is at work and by his grace next year can be different.  Pray that my children will know how much I love them and that I will take advantage of every opportunity to express that to them.  Thanks for reading.   

“My sin isn’t really that bad.”

All Eve did, when you think about it, was take one bite of something God told her not to eat.  What was the big deal?  The big deal was that God said “Don’t,” and Eve said “I will.”  That one, simple act of eating something God said was off limits produced enormous consequences - in her body; her mind, will and emotions; her relationship with God; and her marriage.  That one “little” sin influenced her husband to sin, which resulted in the entire human race being plunged into sin.  Like a rock thrown into a pond, the ripples caused by sin go on and on.  If only we could see that every sin is a big deal, that every sin is an act of rebellion and cosmic treason, that every time we choose our way instead of God’s way, we are revolting against the God and King of the universe.  As John Bunyan put it, “One leak will sink a ship; and one sin will destroy a sinner.  The way to see the thruth about sin is to see it in the light of who God is.  When we gaze upon the brilliance of His untarnished holiness, we become acutely aware of the hideousness of our sin.  Because the puritans walked in close communion with God, they cultivated a sense of the horror of their sin, no matter how insignificant it might seem to others.  This perspective comes out in the kind of prayers they prayed:

Unmask to me sin’s deformity,
that I may hate it, abhor it, flee from it…
Let me never forget that the heinousness of sin
lies not so much in the nature of the sin committed,
as in the greatness of the person sinned against.